AA Step 1

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According to the Big Book of AA Step One (Step 1) is contained in the first few chapters since it does not mention Step One specifically until page 59 which says:

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"

In order to recognize my powerlessness over alcohol my sponsor asked me to complete a form which focused on specific events that occurred as a result of my drinking and my inability to stop:

  1. Disease History
    1. Age and circumstances of first intoxication. Remember drinking at young age, around 12. Do not remember getting intoxicated in college. I think I got intoxicated when I started to hate my life and marriage in 1984. I was 33.  Finally lost a lot of money and got divorced.
    2. Age and circumstances of first loss of control. 1984. Started to do a lot of Marijuana.
    3. Age of first blackout. Probably within the last 10 years when I was traveling and drinking heavily to deal with my professional life.
    4. Age when you were first concerned about your use of alcohol and/or drugs. December, 2002. Passed out in NYC. Knew that something was wrong with my body. Could not tell it was from drugs.
    5. Others who were first concerned by your use. No one ever told me that I abused drugs. Not even my therapist or ex-wife. My current wife suspected something after 15 years of marriage. Something changed in my body’s ability to handle alcohol.
    6. What was you drink or drug of choice. Single malt scotch and marijuana. Drank and smoked daily. Tried to stop many times. Could not. Only achieved sobriety in AA.
    7. If alcohol was your drug of choice, what other drugs or pills have you taken. Marijuana. Bought from my dealers in SF and NY. Mixed drugs to get a better high.
  2. Powerlessness
    1. Growing preoccupation. Remember very clearly smoking before theatre, evening events, movie to get high – to deal with people. Drinking before parties, after parties. Focusing on what kind of alcohol they were going to serve. Snubbing people who did not drink as well as I did. Building up my liquor and wine collection. Focusing on shopping before Sunday since stores were closed. Drinking more on airplanes – at airports – in hotel rooms – buying more at Customs shops to get lowest price – buying specials that I could not get elsewhere
    2. Growing tolerance. Always searching for a higher high. Blamed my dealers on lousy quality. Would hate myself for drinking low quality scotch to make budget go farther. Did purchase larger quantities to lower cost per drink.
    3. Loss of control.

                                                               i.      Families and Friends. Yelled at wife a lot. Ignored children. Screamed and cursed at friends. Threatened suicide. Quit job. Lost tolerance to everyone including myself. Wanted to constantly self-destruct.  Embarrassed myself everywhere, especially in public. Escorted back to hotel rooms by security.

                                                             ii.      Legal problems. Divorce in 1984. No bankruptcies. Came close many times. Parents bailed me with by advancing family inheritance.

                                                            iii.      Social problems. What used to be funny became sad. Broke promises all the time. Never made or kept friends. Hated the world.

                                                           iv.      Job problems. Did not feel respected by my employers or my family. Thought everyone else was wrong.

                                                             v.      Physical problems. Received prescription for sleeping pills from my doctor due to my travel schedule. Did not abuse the pills but thought about it constantly.

                                                           vi.      Sexual problems. Sex became an obsession. Wanted it all the time to get rid of the pain. To feel good about myself. To feel loved.

                                                          vii.      Excuses for first drink of the day. Deserved to drink. Adults drank. Saw it in the movies – on TV – all the time. Liquor was used to forget the day. To enjoy the evening.

                                                        viii.      Delusion. Did not know that I was self-destructing and hurting myself. Did not know that alcohol was the problem and not the solution.

  1. Unmanageability.
    1. Physical Condition. Had physical and dental checkups regularly for years. No one ever suggested that I had a drug or alcohol problem. My body was in great shape and I showed no symptoms until that fatal day when I passed out in New York and was left in the gutter to die.
    2. Time with family. Did not spend a lot of time with family. Spent more time on business, clients and Internet.
    3. Financial Irresponsibility. Did not create consistent income. Spent too much on credit cards. Avoided budgets. Borrowed anytime someone said me an offer of credit. Estimate – hundreds of thousands of dollars on credit, therapy, denial and self-will.
    4. Uncomfortable Feelings – Insecurity, financial instability, not good looking, overweight, getting old, not rich enough
    5. Three Worst Things I Ever Did –       

                                                         i.      Hit my wife when I disagreed with her in a hotel room

                                                        ii.      Got thrown out of a Vegas hotel and spent 8 hours in jail

                                                       iii.      Lied on my resume of past accomplishments

    1. Spiritual Bankruptcy -  did not know this concept until I joined AA – left organized religion after my Bar Mitzvah – never to return – first talked to God in 1984 during my divorce and failing business – always talk to God when I was in trouble or when I was happy – never on regular days – always thought God was my friend and has carried me through tough times